Naked vacuuming & other search terms

It’s interesting what people are interested in, what they go online and search for.  Apparently WordPress thinks it is too, because it keep track of all the search terms that have lead someone to my blog.

So far, it’s filtered 499 unique search terms, but of course, many of them get multiple hits, which means there’s been 1772 hits to my blog off those 499 terms.  You start to see quite quickly why tagging your blog is important.

Now, some of the terms are completely expected.  There’s twelve different ways people have searched for me or the blog by name, most of which involve misspelling my name.  For the record, people, it’s T O B I N (like Robin, but with a T) and E L L I O T T (with two L’s and two T’s…must have been a buy-one-get-one free day) and it’s L E F T   T O   W R I T E (not write to left, or right to left or left to right).  All combined, they make up 160 of those hits, or almost 10%.

But the strange thing is the next three big searches.  The word incredulous had 41 hits (2.3%) all on its lonesome…which left me incredulous.

The next one, who’s time, quite frankly, I thought had passed.  Six variations of I love boobies (some with bracelet, or bracelets or wristband, etc. tacked on the end).  This accounts for exactly 100 hits, or just shy of 6% of the hits.  People must really love boobies.  I know I do!

Oh yeah, and for the two people that searched I love ass bracelet?  You’re doing it wrong.

The next one I wouldn’t have guess in a million years.  Six variations on cut grass.  Yup.  54 hits (3%) for  cut the grass; grass cutting; nice cut grass; cutting grass…and three losers who actually searched how to cut grass.  I mean, come on!

Rounding out the top five searches, it was a tie between kenora dinner jacket and bad language, both with 24 hits (1.4%).  Who knew those flannel shirts were so damn popular?

Then we get into a couple of trends.  There’s apparently a lot of you out there with some strange fetishes.  The first one?

Cats.  But not just any cats.

  • cat gives dog crotch massage (nice…real nice…classy, people)
  • cat taking up the ass (see my comment above)
  • cat hitting dog
  • cat kicks dog
  • cats and dogs look at me (paranoid much?)
  • cat getting beat up
  • cat contempt
  • inmates and cats (which kinda fits in with the second bullet point above, but surprisingly, no search for prison tat cat)
  • cats staring
  • tough cat
  • funny psycho cat (cuz nothing says funny like a psycho)
  • dog watches cat
  • cat watching out for dogs
  • adult swim angry kitty in suit on laptop (I…don’t even want to guess…)

After that, Homer Simpson seems so…boring.  And the search terms essentially define all of his life skills.

  • homer simpson drunk
  • homer simpson passed out
  • homer passed out drunk (sensing the trend here yet?)
  • homer simpson picking his nose
  • what goes around homer simpsons mind
  • homer simpson sleeping

The next popular trend?  Nude celebrities, especially Pam Anderson & Tommy Lee.  Please, that was so 1990s!  Get over it!

  • pam anderson no clothes
  • tommy lee leaked photos
  • paris anderson and tommy lee (note that it’s Paris Anderson…someone’s showing their creative side…or they’re just confused over all the damn sex tapes out there now)
  • scarlett johansson birthday suit (I find it hilarious that when it’s the Anderson’s and the Lee’s, it’s “no clothes” but when it’s Scarlett, suddenly it becomes “birthday suit”…what’s up with that?)
  • alannah myles accident (I’m guessing…hoping actually, that this one isn’t for nakedness.  Probably refers to Alotta Myles’ redo of Black Velvet which was more of a trainwreck than an accident)

Now we’ve come to the part of the blog where I just have to take these terms one by one.  You’ll understand shortly.

First up, throwing up.  Seriously, what need do you have to actually google this?

Man eating clipart leaves me wondering.  Did they want clip art of something that eats men?  Or are they actually looking for man-eating clip art?  I could so write a story about that one!  “Hey, check out the great clip art I found in this YEEEEARRRRRRRGH!”  Oh, the horror!

Staying with the horror motif, how about pictures of cut killer pyshco animals with captions (and yes, the “pyscho” spelling is all theirs).

Closely related to the above comes knee monster which could be related to horror as well…I guess…I mean, geez, knees can be pretty fearsome…if you…you know, trap them in a corner or something…

Okay, I have no freaking clue what a knee monster is.

But now we’re firmly into body parts, right?  So it makes sense to ask why the hell someone would search (or even be interested in) shoulder sniffing.  I’m telling you right now, someone sniffs my shoulder, they’re getting a taste of my knee monster.

Ah!  Now I know what a knee monster is!

A different kind of scary is the search for meat loaf + suzanne vega.  Seriously?

My name is Luka

I live on the second floor

I climbed them like a bat out of hell

I’ll steal your soul and so much more

Making the ol’ knee monster look kinda tame now, isn’t it?

Can someone tell me exactly what captain kirk in punctuation means?  I-just…don’t…understand…and-it…fills-me-with…anxiety.  My-God Spock!  Look-at-that…man-eating…clip-art!”

The next one I understand even less.  Someone searched my mind doesn’t let me be sarcastic.  Wow dude.  Sucks to be you.  My mind doesn’t have a “sarcasm off” switch.

Now, this one doesn’t necessarily fit under the “sucks to be you” label…more like, “sucks to be your friend” I guess.  Or maybe “sucks to be your dog”…  Does someone really mean it when they say i’ve been posting my letters in the dog poop box?

Keeping with the animal theme for a moment…Next up is what kind of dog is toto?  Again, why do you need to look this up when the answer’s so obvious?  What kind of dog is Toto?  Ugly.  Next!

How about it’s my world your just a squirrel?  Is that a put down?  If that’s the best someone can diss someone else, they need help.  I’d totally go for an insect of some sort over a squirrel myself.  Maybe a dung beetle.  On the other hand, I think that’s a great name for a blog.

The next two fit nicely together: my stoned wife and i want to knock my wife up…doesn’t even seem like that much of a challenge, does it?

And then there’s funny schoolboy hitting on teacher.  Yeah, right.  It’s all fun and games until the paternity suit and the statutory rape charges hit.  Just ask Justin Bieber.

How about you got hepatitis c why not a.  And I agree.  Damn underachievers.  At least go for hepatitis b+!

I had a good laugh over collage exams demotivational.  Either someone’s taking their collages much more seriously than they should, or they’re pretty much screwed for their college exams.

Now, I know the next two don’t necessarily go together, but I’m doing the mash up anyway.  Sue me.  The first is truly disgusting, so of course you know it’s something I use on a fairly regular basis myself.  And by that, I mean the term, not the object.  The term?  bacon strips underwear.  Yes, I know, no need to tell me.  The class oozes off me like slime.

And hot on the heels of nasty gitch is naked vacuuming.  Strangely, this has never held any appeal for me.  But I guess it does put a whole new spin on you suck, doesn’t it?  And remember, if you’re going to vacuum naked, practice safe vacuum…use a hepa filter.

Now, if only they could invent something that sucks the bacon strips right off the underwear.  Gotta get my admin to call Fruit of the Loom and Hoover.

And in the end, I’ll leave you with three final thoughts.  Even though you’re just an asshole, it’s still important to say it…dr phil if you know nothing else, know that I love you.

And to end it all?  Actually a bit of good advice: forget the muse and just write.