Putting the ass in harass

Okay…imagine a couple of people who work from home, pay for their own business lines, and usually get calls from either machines talking about how our credit can be improved, or somebody wanting to clean our carpets and duct work.

Seriously, half the time they can’t even get our names right. I’ve had calls for Elliott Tobin, John Elliott, Tobin Ellis, Tolbin, Tahbin, Tahbeen…Anyway, imagine that environment.annoying-phone-call

Now this happens.

My wife gets a call from a woman who doesn’t identify herself, just asks for Alyssa. The Wife, thinking it’s another sales call, does what she does: states clearly and politely that there is no Alyssa at this number and ends the call.

The woman, having none of it, calls back, demanding Alyssa. Again, the Wife states it’s the wrong number.

She calls back a third time. Now the Wife gets pissy. Seriously, by this time, the woman’s been informed on three occasions she’s got the wrong number and that she’s calling a business line. So, can you blame the Wife for getting pissy?


The next ten or fifteen calls, the Wife just picks up and hangs up. By now, I come in asking what the hell’s going on and I get the story. So I say, “Let me get the next one.”

Surprise surprise, she calls again. “I need to speak to a manager,” she demands. “I just asked a simple question, there was no need to be rude.” When I explained that she lost all sympathy by calling a wrong number multiple times to harass someone, she said, “But, you’re dealing with the public. I’m a health care professional! You have to be polite!”

I then explained, in strong, firm tones, that she’s the one that called the wrong damn number, that this number is not used to deal with the public, and that she’s the one being rude.

And then, dammit, it was only after I hung up that I thought of the better way to handle it.

The way it should have gone was:

“I need to speak to a manager. I just asked a simple question, there was no need to be rude.”

“I am the manager miss, and I apologize for my girl. Normally, the calls come through a different line, so this one caught her off guard. And you have to excuse her, she obviously assumed you came in through the Degradation Line and she was just trying to service you as best she could. Really, she’s quite good at what she does, considering the mouth breathers she usually has to work with.

“Now, if you want, because of your poor experience with 1-900-69 Hotties, I can offer you five free minutes in either our Girl-on-Girl line, or our new line, Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Write Bad Cheques line. Personally, I think you’d prefer the second line. But if you have a different sexual preference, I’m open.

“Now, one last matter of business, which can be done the easy way or the…heh…hard way. You can provide the name of the business you’re calling from, or I can *69 your number and get it that way. Personally, I prefer the…heh…69, but I’ll leave it to you. You’ve called 15 times at a rate of $12.95 for the first minute, so, that works out to about $200.  Or would you prefer to keep that between us and give me your MasterCard, Visa or Amex?”

sexy_phoneI’m guessing that would have shut her up. What do you think?


5 thoughts on “Putting the ass in harass

  1. I come up with the best stuff too, thinking of it after the fact. That’s how people like The Gilmore Girls and the Dawson’s Creek folk have such awesome (yet totally unrealistic) banter. If we had even three minutes head start to write our own lines, we’d be such clever people. Put that in your novel. 😉 Or start telling people the story but with the better ending. I won’t tell.

  2. I usually give them the “I’m so glad you called, I was just about to pull the trigger,” line. Get’s ’em every time.

  3. And this woman, you spoke to was a heath care professional? Yikes! I guess her grasp of the English language is tenuous at best. As is her grasp of common sense, decency… She must work for the Harper government. She displayed all the prerequisites. 😉

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